lies

i woke up early today for my cbc and as soon as i've opened the door of my room to go to the pantry i was surprised to see the television open and then i saw a familiar face on the tv screen. but she's not holding a microphone, nor doing traffic rantings, not even doing her trademark "street dancing"---she's wearing a wedding gown, doing the catwalk. my heart skipped a beat.

then all of a sudden an icy-cold feeling swept over me. i felt like a dementor has just arrived and sucking the happiness within me. i began to choke with sadness. she could have been my bride, she could have been my wife and i imagine myself flying without wings for marrying someone as beautiful as her.

then i heard a voice, a squeaky tiny voice that resembles that of dobby, the house elf, "you are stupid sir, you screwed up sir, you lost her sir". damn! shut up! shut up! "why are you shouting sir, don't shout at me sir!" just shut up!

then i opened my eyes and saw my two cousins, ned and alison, both looking at me with disbelief. i spoke even before they could say a word,"i'm okay, i'm okay don't worry".

i took a seat near the fridge, my back at the television set, hoping that the cup of green tea could relieve the sudden surge of pain within. and then i heard a voice coming from the television set saying that the wedding gown was designed by someone and the activity was last sunday and then suddenly........opps.......she told me she's watching a movie sunday night----with her mom.....how could---she didn't--how can------shit!

i swallowed the tea, it was bitter... she lied to me then......but why....maybe she has a date with her future groom......so all these "i want to be with you, dying to be with you enzo stuffs" were all lies......shit.... combination of anger and pain made me feel very sick

"i'm not marrying her....i'm not going back to her......i don't want to see her......i'm not going to talk to her anymore...no, i don't want her anymore" i told myself, in between sobs.....

brokenman to betterman

time is 2:10 pm. just woke up. my head still aches and my stomach feels awful. good afternoon to me!

the pain in my back has lessen. thank God. but i’m back to my wheel chair.
i’m alone again. wheeled myself out of my room to my small pantry, checked the fridge for food and found some bottles of san mig light and left over foods. i lost my appetite.

on my way to the sofa bed, i saw a pack of marlboro lights on the side table. i was tempted to puff a stick then remembered the last time i tried smoking, i think that was in high school. contrary to what i’ve expected, i didn’t feel the “relaxing, therapeutic effect” and curiousity had me hospitalized for 1 week due to asthma.

i wheeled myself near the window and saw the gloomy sky. i’m sure it will rain later. how i wish i could go down and feel it falling on me. maybe it could wash whatever gloomy and negative emotions i am having right now.

the rain reminds me of her. i’m trying not to think of it but my efforts are in vain. and i dont want to be a hypocrite. yes, i do miss her so much. and the thought that i may not be able to see her again, talk to her again, even for the last time is crushing me. but i’m trying to live one day at a time, accepting the realities little by little and making some baby steps. i’m moving on to the next phase, picking up the pieces and trying to be happy.

tomorrow, i’ll have my flu shot so as to protect me against the influenza virus. but my doctor told me that the flu shot doesn’t guarantee that i will not get the flu although if i do get a flu, it will likely to be less severed. good grief :(

aside from the flu shot, i have to undergo ct scan (to determine the improbability of chemobrain), ecg, lft, 2d-echo and of course, cbc and they need to check my sperm count. i hope the list ends there. i really don’t feel comfortable undergoing all these.

i then realized how chemotherapy, like cancer, has changed my life. it has redefined the “me” now, it has turned my life upside down and i was thinking, had it made me a better person? a frequently asked question nowadays is “iniwan ka ba kasi may cancer ka?” and my answer is, no. my physical condition has nothing to do with the break up.

chemo sessions are over for now and i want to think that i’m on my way to remission. i desperately wanted to have a new lease on life and start living it the way that i should be—not afraid to face the uncertainties of life, enjoy living with my loved ones, be brave enough to fight for what is right, focus on what will make me happy and most importantly, live a life that is pleasing to His sight. i believe it’s not too late to change and be a better man.

just like what He promised in Philippians 1:6, i want to claim that “He who has began a good work in me, would be faithful to complete it”

still……a work in progress…..from brokenman to betterman

the journey is just beginning!

i don't give a damn

i'm really wondering why you are so interested about us and especially about me. well, i'm flattered you are giving me this much attention. it must have been heaven for you and for your bestfriend to make fun of me.

i think my fault here is that i was too trusting and i confided things to you which were not supposed to be said and i felt betrayed and hurt that you are now using it against me.
why are you so interested about us? why do you have to threaten me? why are you so interested to know her? just because i confided things to you and we became "friends" does not gave you the right to intrude into my personal life and to her personal life too. we were both hurt by what happened. and i don't think nobody won, because in the first place, it was not a game. we were not playing a game. it was a relationship. it was love. and what happened to us along the way was something that we are keeping for ourselves. its ours anyway.

i never hide the fact that i screwed up, i lied, i got insecure, the break up was mostly my fault. i never and will never hide that fact to anyone, even to my family. and she knew how much i wanted to make things right, to tell her everything that she wanted to know. we have our personal issues----things that i don't think we should or i should open up in public. its between the two of us. what transpired, what we said, what we felt, what we have right now---is just for the two of us. no one has the right to intrude on that.

so, now, you are telling me you want to meet her, invite her for dinner, you want her to be your friend. you are telling me this after saying a lot of bad things about her? wow! yes, i was shaky when i called you not because of anything shitty. you said something in your sms that triggered some fear in me. i was doubtful of your motive. i was worried for her. i know what kind of a bitch you are. and please stop boasting about your resources and connection. you are not GOD and you can not just intrude into someone's personal life and fix it the way you want. who cares if your father is a general and you have body guards. let me remind you, the people of the Republic of the Philippines is paying for his salary.

you are telling me to focus on myself, on my family, on my kids, and you even called me selfish. wow! who are you anyway? you don't know how much i love my children and my family. i could give my life to them. and you don't tell me what to do. i'm old enough, wise enough to handle myself. by the way, how about your dad? does he really care about you?

so, why are you so interested about us? what's your motive? you want to destroy me? you and your imaginary bestfriend who thought that just because i said she's pretty has already jumped into the conclusion that i like her? i was never attracted to you nor to her. and i will never be. yes, i said i like you because you are a bitch, but that's my way of telling you that you can not just call me names, insult me, threaten me, and then get away with it. yes, i have balls--pink, juicy, yummy balls. how about you? you are a coward, you are hiding from your dad's pants and you are taking advantage of his position so you can get what you want.

hey, to tell you honestly, i really don't want to spend most of my time thinking about you or your blah blah. its a waste of time. in fact, this is the last time that i will talk about it. i guess mari is right, kulang ka lang sa pansin.

and by the way, don't under-estimate her. she's a tough act. she's wiser and smarter than you think. she knows when to fight back. she's too smart for you. and i bet she will see your true motive even before you could lay your thing on the table.

you are one wtf spoiled brat. it takes one to know one you know. you don't play with other people's feelings. we are not playing a game here. this is about our lives, our battle, our journey and the least that you can do is...fuck off.

i don't need your help nor am i asking for it. i can fix my life, i can fix whatever it is that needs to be fixed between "her and me". we just have to see each other and talk personally. and we will be doing that soon.

i don't care about you wanting her to be your friend. but i know that's not your true motive. just don't use me to hurt her or don't you dare do something that will malign her and my reputation or our past relationship. i don't need to give her a "friendly warning" because she is a smart woman. opps sorry..i mean a very smart woman. don't dare do something that will hurt both of us. kung gusto mo lang ako sirain, then ako na lang, don't use her to hurt me.

fuck off spoiled brat. don't you dare make a wrong move. you don't know me. leave us alone or ou'll regret it.

resched chemo

i’m suppose to have my 6th and last chemo session today (for option A) but my oncologist has decided to postpone it because of my low wbc and fever. if my condition will improve next week, i’ll have the session hopefully by next friday, june 22.

wordpress blog

i've moved in to http://brokenman.wordpress.com

pls join me in my journey there!

thanks

under the knife

Had to undergo laparoscopic appendectomy last Sunday at the Asian Hotel errr Hospital in Alabang. It was another memorable chapter of my 35 years of existence in this place called earth. I was really nervous because it was my first time to be sliced..opps..correction, second time actually (first was my circumcision of course, which was really and literally a slice..ha ha ha).

Two hours before the scheduled operation, i was with my family and we all prayed together. I was able to talked with Kuya Henry and Godo afterwards. Godo even sang "With A Smile" by E-heads..had to stop him because it made me cry. Sent "my princess" sms..telling her that i love her...Also called Cacai and Nice.

The next stop was with the anesthesiologist..i dread this time really...was really scared of big needles..had to remember the sms my princess sent me..telling me to "be brave pok"..thoughts of her made me smile.

I think I was already sleepy when i was asked to lie down at the operating table...ready to be sliced...the first step was actually to free up the inflammed appendix down to where it is attached..no..i didn't feel the knife touching my skin..i think i was a little awake when they were cutting me but my mind was numb. The general surgeon, who also happens to be my cousin, and the laparoscopic surgeon, then told me after the operation that they had used bipolar forceps applied with a little electric current to seal the blood vessels and to prevent bleeding. They also explained that the next step was placing a scissor to divide the mesentery..whatever that part means...ha ha ha...well..they said this was used to completely mobilized the appendix...they then tied the base of the appendix using a pretied suture. After making sure that the suture was tied, they proceeded to remove the appendix.

I was told that halfway through the operation, my blood pressure dropped and my pulse weakened and they had to revived me.i cried when i heard that story. i thank GOD because of His faithfulness in my life. He is truly a magnificent, wonderful, marvelous, all-knowing GOD.

So..now..i'm still here...recuperating..and I thank GOD for giving me a very supportive family...Mom (i love you with all my heart), Dad (thanks for being there and for paying the hospital bills ha ha ha, you said you'll pay it right?), Kuya Henry, Ate Jo and Jay-Jay (for praying for me, for always encouraging me), Yei (thank you so much, i really thank GOD for you), Reese (my nurse and caregiver, i love you baby sister), Godo (thanks syoti, i really appreciate your effort of cheering me up), Jay, Cacai, Nice, Uncle Mandy, Manong Pinong, Bret and Yang, Mous, Kajo, Rod, Topheng, Enteng, cousins, aunts and uncles, other relatives, churchmates, officemates, Fran and other friends who prayed for me.

Thank God to the wonderful doctors and staffs of Asian Hospital. To my cousin, my surgeon, Dr. Jonathan Salvador; the anesthesiologist, Dr. Edgard Simon; my internist, Dr. Paul Tan; and of course, the laparoscopic surgeon, Dr. Miguel Mendoza. Words are not enough to express my deepest appreciation. God bless all of you.

Please pray for me people...i want to go home..aarghhh....

(posted: 23 february at http://lonelyjustice.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/)

new blog

my friendster blog was suspended. aarghhh..i was sort of surprised when my friends told me about it, "hoy lex, suspended blog mo di namin mabasa". i find it really weird. i already sent an email to friendster re: the suspension. i guess it is but fair that i know why they've suspended it. i even contemplated that maybe someone asked friendster to suspend it. crazy thought. well, the suspension won't stop me from writing what i feel. so, welcome to another insane piece of me here at blogspot.

nevertheless, i was, of course, happy that a lot of people are reading my blogs. wow! thank you so much. :)