He Said....

“I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand,
so don’t be afraid. I am here to help you” ——Isaiah 41:13

my journey continues

Been sitting here in front of my laptop for almost an hour now but i still couldn't figure out if i will write something here or not. My brain's on the loose!

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. After the consolidation chemo, I hibernated to dream land and tried to live a pseudo-normal life. But with my restrictions and "not-to-dos" it's difficult most of the time. I've been continuously doing my therapy and patiently waiting for that time where I would see myself walk on my own two feet again. For now, I can already go up and down the stairs by myself, without a cane (I just cling to the stair handles like my life depends on it, ha ha ha).

I'm done with my liver function test, 2D-echo, lung capacity test, glucose tolerance test, sperm count test and endoscopy. Yesterday, they've removed "Hickie" (good grief!) and I also had my bone marrow biopsy. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my EENT doctor in the morning and my dentist in the afternoon. I'm also taking a close to 20 pills a day and still under a strictly organic fruit, vegetable and soft diet. Whew! I was told that these are phases in preparation for the "my big SCT" next month.

I still feel lethargic at times but I know that I'm getting better every day. I'm still adjusting to these big changes in my life and I really thank God because all is going well so far. There were anomalies in some of my test results but my doctors assured me that they are all manageable and the prognosis are very encouraging. Nothing major has come up yet and my numbers are still okay. And, I have to mentioned that "someone" is making me smile every morning, making my "every day" a better one. Ehem! (I can't wait to spend some "quality tea time" with her soon).

I'm taking some baby steps, getting myself ready for the transplant while trying to live a somewhat normal life. My hope and trust is in HIM---my Lord, Savior and Healer----because He knows what's best for me and I'm completely surrendering my life to Him and letting Him do His will in my life.

Again, I want to say thank you to those who are still praying for me. God bless all of you! And to those who made comments in some of my entries here, thank you so much. Please know that I truly appreciate your visit and although I may not be able to answer all of them now, they are very important to me and I will try to answer them one of these days.

And I want to say a "special" thank you to Pastor Eric C. Maliwat of 702 DZAS. Thanks for the email po and for the prayers. More power to your station.

My journey from brokenman to betterman continues!!! Please journey with me!

the call

i can't remember the last time that we've talked on the phone.

and that explains why i didn't recognize your voice when you called last night......

you see, i'm used to it now......

i thought i wouldn't be able to move on......

but surprisingly i did it....

i'm moving on....

made some baby steps.....

and now i'm so used to not hearing from you,

not thinking of you, not calling you, not seeing you on tv.....

i'm so glad i'm out of that phase.....

then.......you called....

you even asked me if i'm okay....

you were breaking down....

crying your heart out....i can't understand what you were saying....

all i heard were your sobbings and the unbearable sounds of pain

you sure made me worried...

i felt bad really....

somehow i was wondering if you were crying because you missed me (silly thought, i know)

or your new guy did something stupid and you thought of me......

or something happened to someone in your family....

or worst you've hurt yourself....a lot of bad thoughts

all of a sudden.....i felt the need to check on you...

i felt the need to know if you are already okay.....

and what really happened....

why were you crying,.....

why all of a sudden.....you called me....you thought of me

but as it turned out......

i think you've misinterpreted everything....

now you thought that i am still so into you

and that i will then be calling you now on a regular or semi-regular basis....

please don't worry 'coz i wont do that....

i've moved on

so please don't think that just because i now have your "another mobile number"

i would go to the regular habit of texting you or calling you.......just like before

you don't have to tell me to stop calling you and that

"magkita muna tayo then you can call me everyday after that".....

please don't make it appear that i'm so "desperately wanting" to talk to you.......

because the truth is........ I'M NOT

i know i can never change my past....

you are a part of it...

.and i've learned a lot from what we had....

i want to thank you for the memories....

....everything that happened.....they happened because it was destined.....

and i don't feel any regret at all....

you are in my prayers....

i wish you happiness and more success in your career....

and i've accepted the fact that its over and that we have our own lives now....

i'm sure glad i got my life back...

and i'm happy because i know you are happy too

and that you are living your life to the fullest.....

"kung manliligaw ka ulit please not on the phone"

okay.....i heard you.....loud and clear

the meaning

the "unanswered"/"ignored" offlines would mean......

it is officially over

dont want to be bothered

slightly confused

don't know what to "say" or to "write back"

power trip

it could be one or all or none of the above

case closed

how do i love thee?

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --

I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

answered prayer

today, i finally got the result of my spinal tap.

after analyzing and comparing the blast cells on my latest spinal tap from the blast cells of my original bone marrow biopsy, the pathologist concluded that they look very different from the leukemic blast cells in the original biopsy and that the blast cells were normal immature cells.
my “early cell count” was only 4% and she said that anything below 5% is considered normal. so technically i’m in remission! yahooo!!!!

i’ll be out of the hospital next week for my much needed rest and then i’ll go back to consolidation therapy after 1 month. the oncologist said that i can take the therapy as an out-patient and it will be for 2 months. if all goes well then we will proceed with the bone marrow transplant by mid-May.

i’m much overwhelmed by God’s great love for me. words are inadequate to describe the joy within me. thank you to my family for the unconditional love, my relatives, my doctors, nurses, friends, online friends and strangers who prayed for me and journeyed with me. thank you so much. He answered our prayers.

to my Lord and Savior, my Redeemer and Healer, Jesus Christ, You are awesome! i worship You for who You are. thank you for Your faithfulness, thank you for Your Great love. I am in awe of You!

the journey from brokenman to betterman continues…….

the waiting continues

i was supposed to get the result of my spinal tap yesterday but a few hours before my scheduled appointment, my oncologist called me and told me that the pathologist still hasn’t reach a conclusive and definitive findings as to whether the blast cells found in the sample are normal immature white cells or abnormal or leukemic cells. my doctor said the pathologist requested that she be given some of the slides from my original bone marrow biopsy for comparison and analysis. looks like i have to wait for two more days.

i was told that if the test would remain inconclusive i have no other choice but to repeat the spinal tap. or if the pathologist will eventually conclude that the cells are indeed leukemic cells then there’s an immediate need for me to undergo a more extensive chemo, 3 days per week for 3 months and then depending on the progress, i’ll undergo stem cell transplant which will be my last resort. but the thing is: my oncologist is worried that my frail body would not be able to withstand another round of extensive chemo since i had 3 chemo sessions already. he’s afraid that my organs would not be able to take the repercussions and eventually they would fail and kill me. on the other hand, if i don’t undergo another round of chemo (assuming i still have leukemic cells), i won’t last longer than a year. this is so depressing.

on the lighter side, if the pathologist concludes that the blast cells were normal immature white cells it means i don’t have leukemic cells anymore and i will be in remission. i will then undergo a month of consolidation therapy to prepare me for the stem cell transplant.

i don’t know what to feel right now. my head is full of “what if’s”. i know He holds my life in His hand and i just have to accept His will and trust His plans for me, but then, this is easier said than done. nevertheless, I will keep on trusting Him and will continue to wait on Him. i know He will carry me through, He will not leave me nor forsake me.

thank you for your unconditional love Lord. Your love keeps me sane.

craving

Don't go far off, not even for a day
because -- because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour,
because then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Pablo Neruda

i do not love you except because i love you

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you

My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who dies, the only one, and
I will die of love because I love you,

Because I love you...
Love, in fire and blood.

Pablo Neruda

done with my chemo

my consolidation chemo ended two days ago. thank GOD!

there were minor complications but the doctors’ said its manageable. i practically slept the whole day yesterday and now i can feel that my strength is slowly coming back. i’m still on liquid diet——mostly fruits/veggie juices and ensure—-and i’m starting to get really bored with it. i hope i would be given some soft solid foods soon.

most of my hives are dry now and i have an appointment with my dermatologist tomorrow morning. i still have a slight fever and a cold. the coming days will be the period of waiting for my blood count to go up and regenerate with, hopefully, no leukemia cells. over the next 2 weeks, it is expected that my count will improve and then i will have another spinal tap to check if i’m already in complete remission.

i feel so relieved that things are now going as they should. i also have high hopes that my count will start to rebuild within the coming days. i thank GOD for His great love for me. without Him, i know i would not be able to survive the ordeal.

i also want to express my deepest gratitude to my doctors, to the nurses, to my family, to my relatives, friends, online friends, strangers—-everyone who prayed for me and journeyed with me—-God bless all of You!

please join me and my family in praying for complete remission! thanks again!

my choice

Yesterday……. i had my contrasted CT scan in the morning (to determine if i have secondary infection causing the recent fever spikes), another round of chemo during the night, was throwing up, had difficulty sleeping and drank almost two liters of water. whew!

and today…….i woke up feeling some aches and pains in my lower back and i threw up twice already. but i definitely feel a lot better and I’m looking forward to an hour session with my psychotherapist. i’ll also have my ECG later and the usual drawing of blood.

the past few days…..my spirit is actually down and weary. i feel very tired. this continued treatment is starting to drain my positive energy. and oftentimes i feel like i’m just going with the flow without that much conviction. yes, i’m still praying and holding on to my faith but my being human is taking its toll on me.

a while ago i was scanning/reading some passages from the Bible and this verse caught my attention:

“I am now giving you the choice between life and death, between God’s blessings and God’s curse and I call heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Choose Life”
Deuteronomy 30:19

wow! what a perfect verse for me. all of sudden i felt like a comforting hand has touched my head–giving me enough boost to go on with my treatment.

so here i am with my choice: i choose life. i choose to fight. i choose to go on with this journey. i choose to be a betterman.

http://brokenman.wordpress.com/2008/01/22/my-choice/

the journey continues......

when the oncologist walked into my room three days after my bone marrow biopsy, i told myself “this is the moment“. i tried showing a brave face as i felt the sudden surge of emotions but i guess i’m really not good in acting. after the usual pleasantries he finally opened a brown envelope and read through the results of the biopsy.

i’m on partial remission——meaning the stubborn leukemia finally responded to the chemotherapy but it did not disappear completely with the treatment. (this leukemia must have fallen in love with me and doesn’t want to leave. ha ha ha. silly thought!)

the doctor said my suppressed marrow function is beginning to return to normal but in a very slow rate. this was also confirmed by the latest results of my cbc and reticulocyte count which were used to evaluate cell production in my marrow. he told me that treatment via radiation therapy plus oral medication will continue so that complete remission can be achieved.

initially, i was disappointed with the result as i was expecting complete remission. the feeling of uncertainty went back to me and consumed me. but when the night came, i found myself talking to God, asking Him “what are you trying to tell me Lord?”, “what do you want me to learn from this new development?“. i asked Him to give me His peace and to hug me as I embark on my journey to radiation oncology.

i already had two sessions of radiation therapy and will have five more the coming days. i’m actually on “break” right now. i personally asked for it as i want to spend the holidays with my loved ones ”radiation free”.

i’m keeping my hopes high, trusting Him and letting Him do His will on me. i know that He will complete His work and I’m holding on to His promise that “He will never leave me nor forsake me”.

I then remembered I Thessalonians 5:18 that says “Give thanks in all circumstances….” and i just felt that this is what He wants me to do—to continue thanking Him inspite of all the painful things coming my way and He wants me to look around and appreciate the beauty of life. there are indeed countless reasons to thank Him for His love and faithfullness. i thank Him for the gift of life, the gift of time, the gift of love, the gift of family, the gift of friends—–the list could go on and on—–mercies that will never come to an end.

again, i want to thank the people who journeyed with me and prayed for me. i want to send my warm hugs of appreciation to my family, my children, my best buddies, friends, classmates, aunts, uncles, cousins, other relatives, family friends, online friends and those who’ve just chanced upon my blog and offered prayers, online strangers and “you” (wink!) thank you very much.

my journey from brokenman to betterman continues………please journey with me.

a belated merry christmas and a blessed new year to all!

i feel so stupid

i hate myself for giving in......for answering her sms...for sending her emails...for calling her

she shut her world on me again....after telling me that she wants to visit me and be with me ....again....its too late for me to realize that indeed it was more of a "power trip".....

i'm hurting again....

i had enough...

she can't go on playing with my emotions....even if i still love her...i know i have to let go....get this dot of hope out of me....the soonest....or else i wouldn't be able to move on....

i refuse to be the "uto-uto" guy anymore...

i'm moving on for real

counting the days

five more days and i’m back to “treatment mode”.

how do i feel about it? let me count the ways:

• sad, because of so many failed expectations
• weary, because i’m going back to the hospital, contraptions will be attached to my frail body, i will be trapped in the hospital bed, and the worst part is undergoing 6 cycles of chemo all over again
• anxious, because of the so many negative thoughts in my mind (its not easy to shake them off)
• thankful, because God is giving me another chance; because i know He will provide my financial, emotional and material needs during the treatment
• trusting, because i know He will never leave me nor forsake me and even if it is so difficult to say “thy will be done” i trust that He knows what’s best for me and that He will be with me every step of the way
• hopeful, because someone told me she’ll visit me at the hospital
• happy, because every day i see and feel His great love for me
• scared, because i already knew how it feels like being “treated”

i still have fever and this has been going on for 3 days now. for a “leukemic” a recurring fever would only mean infection. my doctor ordered my “private nurse” to increase the dosage of antibiotics (flagyl and cefepine) and to get blood from me twice.

my knees are aching now and i feel very tired. my appetite is still down and i don’t know if its because of the meal plan or anxiety. i just had 2 glasses of ensure this day (one for breakfast and one for lunch; just had a banana and a glass of water for dinner).

i might undergo radiation i was told and that thought is scaring the shit out of me.

“Lord, help me to trust you more, help me to be ready for all these. My life is in Your hands. I may not be able to understand Your plans for me at the moment, but i know that what You want is for me to trust You completely. I am here Lord, do Your will on me”.

my prayer

"Lord, I’m sorry for not calling on you immediately. I forgot. And i feel so unworthy. After all that You’ve done for me, how can i be so careless and so mistrusting. Lord, when the doctor told me that remission will or may not come at the time we are expecting it and that we need to repeat the treatment, i know You’ve read my mind and You’ve felt the sadness in my heart. You know the endless questions within me, the sadness, the grief, the pain and the agony. i know i’ve told You before that i will accept Your will in my life, because this life is Yours and You know what’s the best for me. but i guess, those words are easier said than done. You know my heart Lord, i still trust you and i still believe that You are in control but sometimes this feeling of not wanting to accept will come to me and the questions in my mind just wouldn’t stop coming. as the dates for my “extensive” chemotherapy are getting nearer, Lord, i want to tell you that i’m scared, i couldn’t stop thinking of what will happen to me during those times. what will happen if i still didn’t get the remission. will i consent to another treatment like bone marrow transplant or mylotarg? can i still handle it? i know You will be there for me just like what You did during my induction chemo but Lord, please teach me to trust you more and not be afraid. i’m tired of being afraid, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. Lord, i feel that i’m getting weaker and weaker every day and i know hiding the real thing from people that matters to me, thinking that i would be able to protect them from pain, was so wrong. i know its a stupid thing, but i feel that they’ve worried about me too much that i’m more like a burden than a blessing to them. everytime i feel the pain, the weakness in my body, everytime i see the blood coming out of my nostrils, everytime i think of my family, my young kids and the people that matters a lot to me, i can’t help but feel bad for my inadequacies. there’s so much that i want to do for them, but i feel like time is against me. i remember that moment when my nose bled and everything went blurred, i called on You, and asked you to please not take me yet and You’ve heard me and answered me affirmatively. would it be too much to ask for more time again, Lord? just a little more time please? "

anguish

i was about to take a shower when i got this sms from a number not in my phone book:

"i am anguishly missing you"

i've re-read the messsage and began to wonder who could this be? who would want to anguishly miss someone or worst anguishly missing me? it must have been a mis-sent sms. sent a reply though,

"who u?"

i then got an empty sms as a reply........and then my heart skipped a familiar beat....no, it can't be...it's not possible...i don't think it was her...and then this sms:

"once----i know once or twice or thrice or more------u made me feel lyk i was in heaven on earth and it always makes me burst in tears------its so good to have felt ur love even if it was and still is a weird set up. u see! these numbers are embedded in my memory and God knows how i tried so very hard to try not to dial these numbers ever again BUT my heart failed me"

its been hours since i received that sms....but i'm still here...awake....confused...and wondering who could this person be?

my heart is telling me something.....my mind is telling me another thing......please tell me its not her.....please it can't be her........

or if its really her......then i just want to tell her that....i'm so anguishly missing her too.

love doesn't end

” Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end but love doesn’t.”

-Marguerite; The Five People You Meet in Heaven; page 173

candy thought

thoughts of you are torturing me

but i don't know how to stop

got it

two obvious signs: 1) she did change her number. 2) she didn't greet me on my birthday. so, that's it. i had enough signs. and now i refuse to be treated like shit.

if she wants me out of her life then i better do the same. i'm too tired to beg, to tired of the pains, too tired of this cycle and painful routine. "wag isiksik ang sarili sa taong ayaw na sa'yo"

i got it this time. i choose to be happy. i'm moving on for real.

lies

i woke up early today for my cbc and as soon as i've opened the door of my room to go to the pantry i was surprised to see the television open and then i saw a familiar face on the tv screen. but she's not holding a microphone, nor doing traffic rantings, not even doing her trademark "street dancing"---she's wearing a wedding gown, doing the catwalk. my heart skipped a beat.

then all of a sudden an icy-cold feeling swept over me. i felt like a dementor has just arrived and sucking the happiness within me. i began to choke with sadness. she could have been my bride, she could have been my wife and i imagine myself flying without wings for marrying someone as beautiful as her.

then i heard a voice, a squeaky tiny voice that resembles that of dobby, the house elf, "you are stupid sir, you screwed up sir, you lost her sir". damn! shut up! shut up! "why are you shouting sir, don't shout at me sir!" just shut up!

then i opened my eyes and saw my two cousins, ned and alison, both looking at me with disbelief. i spoke even before they could say a word,"i'm okay, i'm okay don't worry".

i took a seat near the fridge, my back at the television set, hoping that the cup of green tea could relieve the sudden surge of pain within. and then i heard a voice coming from the television set saying that the wedding gown was designed by someone and the activity was last sunday and then suddenly........opps.......she told me she's watching a movie sunday night----with her mom.....how could---she didn't--how can------shit!

i swallowed the tea, it was bitter... she lied to me then......but why....maybe she has a date with her future groom......so all these "i want to be with you, dying to be with you enzo stuffs" were all lies......shit.... combination of anger and pain made me feel very sick

"i'm not marrying her....i'm not going back to her......i don't want to see her......i'm not going to talk to her anymore...no, i don't want her anymore" i told myself, in between sobs.....