He Said....

“I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand,
so don’t be afraid. I am here to help you” ——Isaiah 41:13

my journey continues

Been sitting here in front of my laptop for almost an hour now but i still couldn't figure out if i will write something here or not. My brain's on the loose!

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. After the consolidation chemo, I hibernated to dream land and tried to live a pseudo-normal life. But with my restrictions and "not-to-dos" it's difficult most of the time. I've been continuously doing my therapy and patiently waiting for that time where I would see myself walk on my own two feet again. For now, I can already go up and down the stairs by myself, without a cane (I just cling to the stair handles like my life depends on it, ha ha ha).

I'm done with my liver function test, 2D-echo, lung capacity test, glucose tolerance test, sperm count test and endoscopy. Yesterday, they've removed "Hickie" (good grief!) and I also had my bone marrow biopsy. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my EENT doctor in the morning and my dentist in the afternoon. I'm also taking a close to 20 pills a day and still under a strictly organic fruit, vegetable and soft diet. Whew! I was told that these are phases in preparation for the "my big SCT" next month.

I still feel lethargic at times but I know that I'm getting better every day. I'm still adjusting to these big changes in my life and I really thank God because all is going well so far. There were anomalies in some of my test results but my doctors assured me that they are all manageable and the prognosis are very encouraging. Nothing major has come up yet and my numbers are still okay. And, I have to mentioned that "someone" is making me smile every morning, making my "every day" a better one. Ehem! (I can't wait to spend some "quality tea time" with her soon).

I'm taking some baby steps, getting myself ready for the transplant while trying to live a somewhat normal life. My hope and trust is in HIM---my Lord, Savior and Healer----because He knows what's best for me and I'm completely surrendering my life to Him and letting Him do His will in my life.

Again, I want to say thank you to those who are still praying for me. God bless all of you! And to those who made comments in some of my entries here, thank you so much. Please know that I truly appreciate your visit and although I may not be able to answer all of them now, they are very important to me and I will try to answer them one of these days.

And I want to say a "special" thank you to Pastor Eric C. Maliwat of 702 DZAS. Thanks for the email po and for the prayers. More power to your station.

My journey from brokenman to betterman continues!!! Please journey with me!

the call

i can't remember the last time that we've talked on the phone.

and that explains why i didn't recognize your voice when you called last night......

you see, i'm used to it now......

i thought i wouldn't be able to move on......

but surprisingly i did it....

i'm moving on....

made some baby steps.....

and now i'm so used to not hearing from you,

not thinking of you, not calling you, not seeing you on tv.....

i'm so glad i'm out of that phase.....

then.......you called....

you even asked me if i'm okay....

you were breaking down....

crying your heart out....i can't understand what you were saying....

all i heard were your sobbings and the unbearable sounds of pain

you sure made me worried...

i felt bad really....

somehow i was wondering if you were crying because you missed me (silly thought, i know)

or your new guy did something stupid and you thought of me......

or something happened to someone in your family....

or worst you've hurt yourself....a lot of bad thoughts

all of a sudden.....i felt the need to check on you...

i felt the need to know if you are already okay.....

and what really happened....

why were you crying,.....

why all of a sudden.....you called me....you thought of me

but as it turned out......

i think you've misinterpreted everything....

now you thought that i am still so into you

and that i will then be calling you now on a regular or semi-regular basis....

please don't worry 'coz i wont do that....

i've moved on

so please don't think that just because i now have your "another mobile number"

i would go to the regular habit of texting you or calling you.......just like before

you don't have to tell me to stop calling you and that

"magkita muna tayo then you can call me everyday after that".....

please don't make it appear that i'm so "desperately wanting" to talk to you.......

because the truth is........ I'M NOT

i know i can never change my past....

you are a part of it...

.and i've learned a lot from what we had....

i want to thank you for the memories....

....everything that happened.....they happened because it was destined.....

and i don't feel any regret at all....

you are in my prayers....

i wish you happiness and more success in your career....

and i've accepted the fact that its over and that we have our own lives now....

i'm sure glad i got my life back...

and i'm happy because i know you are happy too

and that you are living your life to the fullest.....

"kung manliligaw ka ulit please not on the phone"

okay.....i heard you.....loud and clear

the meaning

the "unanswered"/"ignored" offlines would mean......

it is officially over

dont want to be bothered

slightly confused

don't know what to "say" or to "write back"

power trip

it could be one or all or none of the above

case closed

how do i love thee?

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --

I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

answered prayer

today, i finally got the result of my spinal tap.

after analyzing and comparing the blast cells on my latest spinal tap from the blast cells of my original bone marrow biopsy, the pathologist concluded that they look very different from the leukemic blast cells in the original biopsy and that the blast cells were normal immature cells.
my “early cell count” was only 4% and she said that anything below 5% is considered normal. so technically i’m in remission! yahooo!!!!

i’ll be out of the hospital next week for my much needed rest and then i’ll go back to consolidation therapy after 1 month. the oncologist said that i can take the therapy as an out-patient and it will be for 2 months. if all goes well then we will proceed with the bone marrow transplant by mid-May.

i’m much overwhelmed by God’s great love for me. words are inadequate to describe the joy within me. thank you to my family for the unconditional love, my relatives, my doctors, nurses, friends, online friends and strangers who prayed for me and journeyed with me. thank you so much. He answered our prayers.

to my Lord and Savior, my Redeemer and Healer, Jesus Christ, You are awesome! i worship You for who You are. thank you for Your faithfulness, thank you for Your Great love. I am in awe of You!

the journey from brokenman to betterman continues…….

the waiting continues

i was supposed to get the result of my spinal tap yesterday but a few hours before my scheduled appointment, my oncologist called me and told me that the pathologist still hasn’t reach a conclusive and definitive findings as to whether the blast cells found in the sample are normal immature white cells or abnormal or leukemic cells. my doctor said the pathologist requested that she be given some of the slides from my original bone marrow biopsy for comparison and analysis. looks like i have to wait for two more days.

i was told that if the test would remain inconclusive i have no other choice but to repeat the spinal tap. or if the pathologist will eventually conclude that the cells are indeed leukemic cells then there’s an immediate need for me to undergo a more extensive chemo, 3 days per week for 3 months and then depending on the progress, i’ll undergo stem cell transplant which will be my last resort. but the thing is: my oncologist is worried that my frail body would not be able to withstand another round of extensive chemo since i had 3 chemo sessions already. he’s afraid that my organs would not be able to take the repercussions and eventually they would fail and kill me. on the other hand, if i don’t undergo another round of chemo (assuming i still have leukemic cells), i won’t last longer than a year. this is so depressing.

on the lighter side, if the pathologist concludes that the blast cells were normal immature white cells it means i don’t have leukemic cells anymore and i will be in remission. i will then undergo a month of consolidation therapy to prepare me for the stem cell transplant.

i don’t know what to feel right now. my head is full of “what if’s”. i know He holds my life in His hand and i just have to accept His will and trust His plans for me, but then, this is easier said than done. nevertheless, I will keep on trusting Him and will continue to wait on Him. i know He will carry me through, He will not leave me nor forsake me.

thank you for your unconditional love Lord. Your love keeps me sane.

craving

Don't go far off, not even for a day
because -- because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour,
because then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Pablo Neruda

i do not love you except because i love you

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you

My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who dies, the only one, and
I will die of love because I love you,

Because I love you...
Love, in fire and blood.

Pablo Neruda

done with my chemo

my consolidation chemo ended two days ago. thank GOD!

there were minor complications but the doctors’ said its manageable. i practically slept the whole day yesterday and now i can feel that my strength is slowly coming back. i’m still on liquid diet——mostly fruits/veggie juices and ensure—-and i’m starting to get really bored with it. i hope i would be given some soft solid foods soon.

most of my hives are dry now and i have an appointment with my dermatologist tomorrow morning. i still have a slight fever and a cold. the coming days will be the period of waiting for my blood count to go up and regenerate with, hopefully, no leukemia cells. over the next 2 weeks, it is expected that my count will improve and then i will have another spinal tap to check if i’m already in complete remission.

i feel so relieved that things are now going as they should. i also have high hopes that my count will start to rebuild within the coming days. i thank GOD for His great love for me. without Him, i know i would not be able to survive the ordeal.

i also want to express my deepest gratitude to my doctors, to the nurses, to my family, to my relatives, friends, online friends, strangers—-everyone who prayed for me and journeyed with me—-God bless all of You!

please join me and my family in praying for complete remission! thanks again!

my choice

Yesterday……. i had my contrasted CT scan in the morning (to determine if i have secondary infection causing the recent fever spikes), another round of chemo during the night, was throwing up, had difficulty sleeping and drank almost two liters of water. whew!

and today…….i woke up feeling some aches and pains in my lower back and i threw up twice already. but i definitely feel a lot better and I’m looking forward to an hour session with my psychotherapist. i’ll also have my ECG later and the usual drawing of blood.

the past few days…..my spirit is actually down and weary. i feel very tired. this continued treatment is starting to drain my positive energy. and oftentimes i feel like i’m just going with the flow without that much conviction. yes, i’m still praying and holding on to my faith but my being human is taking its toll on me.

a while ago i was scanning/reading some passages from the Bible and this verse caught my attention:

“I am now giving you the choice between life and death, between God’s blessings and God’s curse and I call heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Choose Life”
Deuteronomy 30:19

wow! what a perfect verse for me. all of sudden i felt like a comforting hand has touched my head–giving me enough boost to go on with my treatment.

so here i am with my choice: i choose life. i choose to fight. i choose to go on with this journey. i choose to be a betterman.

http://brokenman.wordpress.com/2008/01/22/my-choice/