He Said....

“I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand,
so don’t be afraid. I am here to help you” ——Isaiah 41:13

my journey continues

Been sitting here in front of my laptop for almost an hour now but i still couldn't figure out if i will write something here or not. My brain's on the loose!

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. After the consolidation chemo, I hibernated to dream land and tried to live a pseudo-normal life. But with my restrictions and "not-to-dos" it's difficult most of the time. I've been continuously doing my therapy and patiently waiting for that time where I would see myself walk on my own two feet again. For now, I can already go up and down the stairs by myself, without a cane (I just cling to the stair handles like my life depends on it, ha ha ha).

I'm done with my liver function test, 2D-echo, lung capacity test, glucose tolerance test, sperm count test and endoscopy. Yesterday, they've removed "Hickie" (good grief!) and I also had my bone marrow biopsy. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my EENT doctor in the morning and my dentist in the afternoon. I'm also taking a close to 20 pills a day and still under a strictly organic fruit, vegetable and soft diet. Whew! I was told that these are phases in preparation for the "my big SCT" next month.

I still feel lethargic at times but I know that I'm getting better every day. I'm still adjusting to these big changes in my life and I really thank God because all is going well so far. There were anomalies in some of my test results but my doctors assured me that they are all manageable and the prognosis are very encouraging. Nothing major has come up yet and my numbers are still okay. And, I have to mentioned that "someone" is making me smile every morning, making my "every day" a better one. Ehem! (I can't wait to spend some "quality tea time" with her soon).

I'm taking some baby steps, getting myself ready for the transplant while trying to live a somewhat normal life. My hope and trust is in HIM---my Lord, Savior and Healer----because He knows what's best for me and I'm completely surrendering my life to Him and letting Him do His will in my life.

Again, I want to say thank you to those who are still praying for me. God bless all of you! And to those who made comments in some of my entries here, thank you so much. Please know that I truly appreciate your visit and although I may not be able to answer all of them now, they are very important to me and I will try to answer them one of these days.

And I want to say a "special" thank you to Pastor Eric C. Maliwat of 702 DZAS. Thanks for the email po and for the prayers. More power to your station.

My journey from brokenman to betterman continues!!! Please journey with me!

the call

i can't remember the last time that we've talked on the phone.

and that explains why i didn't recognize your voice when you called last night......

you see, i'm used to it now......

i thought i wouldn't be able to move on......

but surprisingly i did it....

i'm moving on....

made some baby steps.....

and now i'm so used to not hearing from you,

not thinking of you, not calling you, not seeing you on tv.....

i'm so glad i'm out of that phase.....

then.......you called....

you even asked me if i'm okay....

you were breaking down....

crying your heart out....i can't understand what you were saying....

all i heard were your sobbings and the unbearable sounds of pain

you sure made me worried...

i felt bad really....

somehow i was wondering if you were crying because you missed me (silly thought, i know)

or your new guy did something stupid and you thought of me......

or something happened to someone in your family....

or worst you've hurt yourself....a lot of bad thoughts

all of a sudden.....i felt the need to check on you...

i felt the need to know if you are already okay.....

and what really happened....

why were you crying,.....

why all of a sudden.....you called me....you thought of me

but as it turned out......

i think you've misinterpreted everything....

now you thought that i am still so into you

and that i will then be calling you now on a regular or semi-regular basis....

please don't worry 'coz i wont do that....

i've moved on

so please don't think that just because i now have your "another mobile number"

i would go to the regular habit of texting you or calling you.......just like before

you don't have to tell me to stop calling you and that

"magkita muna tayo then you can call me everyday after that".....

please don't make it appear that i'm so "desperately wanting" to talk to you.......

because the truth is........ I'M NOT

i know i can never change my past....

you are a part of it...

.and i've learned a lot from what we had....

i want to thank you for the memories....

....everything that happened.....they happened because it was destined.....

and i don't feel any regret at all....

you are in my prayers....

i wish you happiness and more success in your career....

and i've accepted the fact that its over and that we have our own lives now....

i'm sure glad i got my life back...

and i'm happy because i know you are happy too

and that you are living your life to the fullest.....

"kung manliligaw ka ulit please not on the phone"

okay.....i heard you.....loud and clear

the meaning

the "unanswered"/"ignored" offlines would mean......

it is officially over

dont want to be bothered

slightly confused

don't know what to "say" or to "write back"

power trip

it could be one or all or none of the above

case closed

how do i love thee?

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --

I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

answered prayer

today, i finally got the result of my spinal tap.

after analyzing and comparing the blast cells on my latest spinal tap from the blast cells of my original bone marrow biopsy, the pathologist concluded that they look very different from the leukemic blast cells in the original biopsy and that the blast cells were normal immature cells.
my “early cell count” was only 4% and she said that anything below 5% is considered normal. so technically i’m in remission! yahooo!!!!

i’ll be out of the hospital next week for my much needed rest and then i’ll go back to consolidation therapy after 1 month. the oncologist said that i can take the therapy as an out-patient and it will be for 2 months. if all goes well then we will proceed with the bone marrow transplant by mid-May.

i’m much overwhelmed by God’s great love for me. words are inadequate to describe the joy within me. thank you to my family for the unconditional love, my relatives, my doctors, nurses, friends, online friends and strangers who prayed for me and journeyed with me. thank you so much. He answered our prayers.

to my Lord and Savior, my Redeemer and Healer, Jesus Christ, You are awesome! i worship You for who You are. thank you for Your faithfulness, thank you for Your Great love. I am in awe of You!

the journey from brokenman to betterman continues…….

the waiting continues

i was supposed to get the result of my spinal tap yesterday but a few hours before my scheduled appointment, my oncologist called me and told me that the pathologist still hasn’t reach a conclusive and definitive findings as to whether the blast cells found in the sample are normal immature white cells or abnormal or leukemic cells. my doctor said the pathologist requested that she be given some of the slides from my original bone marrow biopsy for comparison and analysis. looks like i have to wait for two more days.

i was told that if the test would remain inconclusive i have no other choice but to repeat the spinal tap. or if the pathologist will eventually conclude that the cells are indeed leukemic cells then there’s an immediate need for me to undergo a more extensive chemo, 3 days per week for 3 months and then depending on the progress, i’ll undergo stem cell transplant which will be my last resort. but the thing is: my oncologist is worried that my frail body would not be able to withstand another round of extensive chemo since i had 3 chemo sessions already. he’s afraid that my organs would not be able to take the repercussions and eventually they would fail and kill me. on the other hand, if i don’t undergo another round of chemo (assuming i still have leukemic cells), i won’t last longer than a year. this is so depressing.

on the lighter side, if the pathologist concludes that the blast cells were normal immature white cells it means i don’t have leukemic cells anymore and i will be in remission. i will then undergo a month of consolidation therapy to prepare me for the stem cell transplant.

i don’t know what to feel right now. my head is full of “what if’s”. i know He holds my life in His hand and i just have to accept His will and trust His plans for me, but then, this is easier said than done. nevertheless, I will keep on trusting Him and will continue to wait on Him. i know He will carry me through, He will not leave me nor forsake me.

thank you for your unconditional love Lord. Your love keeps me sane.