Tuesday, February 26, 2008

answered prayer

today, i finally got the result of my spinal tap.

after analyzing and comparing the blast cells on my latest spinal tap from the blast cells of my original bone marrow biopsy, the pathologist concluded that they look very different from the leukemic blast cells in the original biopsy and that the blast cells were normal immature cells.
my “early cell count” was only 4% and she said that anything below 5% is considered normal. so technically i’m in remission! yahooo!!!!

i’ll be out of the hospital next week for my much needed rest and then i’ll go back to consolidation therapy after 1 month. the oncologist said that i can take the therapy as an out-patient and it will be for 2 months. if all goes well then we will proceed with the bone marrow transplant by mid-May.

i’m much overwhelmed by God’s great love for me. words are inadequate to describe the joy within me. thank you to my family for the unconditional love, my relatives, my doctors, nurses, friends, online friends and strangers who prayed for me and journeyed with me. thank you so much. He answered our prayers.

to my Lord and Savior, my Redeemer and Healer, Jesus Christ, You are awesome! i worship You for who You are. thank you for Your faithfulness, thank you for Your Great love. I am in awe of You!

the journey from brokenman to betterman continues…….

Thursday, February 21, 2008

the waiting continues

i was supposed to get the result of my spinal tap yesterday but a few hours before my scheduled appointment, my oncologist called me and told me that the pathologist still hasn’t reach a conclusive and definitive findings as to whether the blast cells found in the sample are normal immature white cells or abnormal or leukemic cells. my doctor said the pathologist requested that she be given some of the slides from my original bone marrow biopsy for comparison and analysis. looks like i have to wait for two more days.

i was told that if the test would remain inconclusive i have no other choice but to repeat the spinal tap. or if the pathologist will eventually conclude that the cells are indeed leukemic cells then there’s an immediate need for me to undergo a more extensive chemo, 3 days per week for 3 months and then depending on the progress, i’ll undergo stem cell transplant which will be my last resort. but the thing is: my oncologist is worried that my frail body would not be able to withstand another round of extensive chemo since i had 3 chemo sessions already. he’s afraid that my organs would not be able to take the repercussions and eventually they would fail and kill me. on the other hand, if i don’t undergo another round of chemo (assuming i still have leukemic cells), i won’t last longer than a year. this is so depressing.

on the lighter side, if the pathologist concludes that the blast cells were normal immature white cells it means i don’t have leukemic cells anymore and i will be in remission. i will then undergo a month of consolidation therapy to prepare me for the stem cell transplant.

i don’t know what to feel right now. my head is full of “what if’s”. i know He holds my life in His hand and i just have to accept His will and trust His plans for me, but then, this is easier said than done. nevertheless, I will keep on trusting Him and will continue to wait on Him. i know He will carry me through, He will not leave me nor forsake me.

thank you for your unconditional love Lord. Your love keeps me sane.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

craving

Don't go far off, not even for a day
because -- because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour,
because then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Pablo Neruda

Friday, February 08, 2008

i do not love you except because i love you

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you

My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who dies, the only one, and
I will die of love because I love you,

Because I love you...
Love, in fire and blood.

Pablo Neruda

done with my chemo

my consolidation chemo ended two days ago. thank GOD!

there were minor complications but the doctors’ said its manageable. i practically slept the whole day yesterday and now i can feel that my strength is slowly coming back. i’m still on liquid diet——mostly fruits/veggie juices and ensure—-and i’m starting to get really bored with it. i hope i would be given some soft solid foods soon.

most of my hives are dry now and i have an appointment with my dermatologist tomorrow morning. i still have a slight fever and a cold. the coming days will be the period of waiting for my blood count to go up and regenerate with, hopefully, no leukemia cells. over the next 2 weeks, it is expected that my count will improve and then i will have another spinal tap to check if i’m already in complete remission.

i feel so relieved that things are now going as they should. i also have high hopes that my count will start to rebuild within the coming days. i thank GOD for His great love for me. without Him, i know i would not be able to survive the ordeal.

i also want to express my deepest gratitude to my doctors, to the nurses, to my family, to my relatives, friends, online friends, strangers—-everyone who prayed for me and journeyed with me—-God bless all of You!

please join me and my family in praying for complete remission! thanks again!