i feel so stupid

i hate myself for giving in......for answering her sms...for sending her emails...for calling her

she shut her world on me again....after telling me that she wants to visit me and be with me ....again....its too late for me to realize that indeed it was more of a "power trip".....

i'm hurting again....

i had enough...

she can't go on playing with my emotions....even if i still love her...i know i have to let go....get this dot of hope out of me....the soonest....or else i wouldn't be able to move on....

i refuse to be the "uto-uto" guy anymore...

i'm moving on for real

counting the days

five more days and i’m back to “treatment mode”.

how do i feel about it? let me count the ways:

• sad, because of so many failed expectations
• weary, because i’m going back to the hospital, contraptions will be attached to my frail body, i will be trapped in the hospital bed, and the worst part is undergoing 6 cycles of chemo all over again
• anxious, because of the so many negative thoughts in my mind (its not easy to shake them off)
• thankful, because God is giving me another chance; because i know He will provide my financial, emotional and material needs during the treatment
• trusting, because i know He will never leave me nor forsake me and even if it is so difficult to say “thy will be done” i trust that He knows what’s best for me and that He will be with me every step of the way
• hopeful, because someone told me she’ll visit me at the hospital
• happy, because every day i see and feel His great love for me
• scared, because i already knew how it feels like being “treated”

i still have fever and this has been going on for 3 days now. for a “leukemic” a recurring fever would only mean infection. my doctor ordered my “private nurse” to increase the dosage of antibiotics (flagyl and cefepine) and to get blood from me twice.

my knees are aching now and i feel very tired. my appetite is still down and i don’t know if its because of the meal plan or anxiety. i just had 2 glasses of ensure this day (one for breakfast and one for lunch; just had a banana and a glass of water for dinner).

i might undergo radiation i was told and that thought is scaring the shit out of me.

“Lord, help me to trust you more, help me to be ready for all these. My life is in Your hands. I may not be able to understand Your plans for me at the moment, but i know that what You want is for me to trust You completely. I am here Lord, do Your will on me”.