my prayer

"Lord, I’m sorry for not calling on you immediately. I forgot. And i feel so unworthy. After all that You’ve done for me, how can i be so careless and so mistrusting. Lord, when the doctor told me that remission will or may not come at the time we are expecting it and that we need to repeat the treatment, i know You’ve read my mind and You’ve felt the sadness in my heart. You know the endless questions within me, the sadness, the grief, the pain and the agony. i know i’ve told You before that i will accept Your will in my life, because this life is Yours and You know what’s the best for me. but i guess, those words are easier said than done. You know my heart Lord, i still trust you and i still believe that You are in control but sometimes this feeling of not wanting to accept will come to me and the questions in my mind just wouldn’t stop coming. as the dates for my “extensive” chemotherapy are getting nearer, Lord, i want to tell you that i’m scared, i couldn’t stop thinking of what will happen to me during those times. what will happen if i still didn’t get the remission. will i consent to another treatment like bone marrow transplant or mylotarg? can i still handle it? i know You will be there for me just like what You did during my induction chemo but Lord, please teach me to trust you more and not be afraid. i’m tired of being afraid, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. Lord, i feel that i’m getting weaker and weaker every day and i know hiding the real thing from people that matters to me, thinking that i would be able to protect them from pain, was so wrong. i know its a stupid thing, but i feel that they’ve worried about me too much that i’m more like a burden than a blessing to them. everytime i feel the pain, the weakness in my body, everytime i see the blood coming out of my nostrils, everytime i think of my family, my young kids and the people that matters a lot to me, i can’t help but feel bad for my inadequacies. there’s so much that i want to do for them, but i feel like time is against me. i remember that moment when my nose bled and everything went blurred, i called on You, and asked you to please not take me yet and You’ve heard me and answered me affirmatively. would it be too much to ask for more time again, Lord? just a little more time please? "

anguish

i was about to take a shower when i got this sms from a number not in my phone book:

"i am anguishly missing you"

i've re-read the messsage and began to wonder who could this be? who would want to anguishly miss someone or worst anguishly missing me? it must have been a mis-sent sms. sent a reply though,

"who u?"

i then got an empty sms as a reply........and then my heart skipped a familiar beat....no, it can't be...it's not possible...i don't think it was her...and then this sms:

"once----i know once or twice or thrice or more------u made me feel lyk i was in heaven on earth and it always makes me burst in tears------its so good to have felt ur love even if it was and still is a weird set up. u see! these numbers are embedded in my memory and God knows how i tried so very hard to try not to dial these numbers ever again BUT my heart failed me"

its been hours since i received that sms....but i'm still here...awake....confused...and wondering who could this person be?

my heart is telling me something.....my mind is telling me another thing......please tell me its not her.....please it can't be her........

or if its really her......then i just want to tell her that....i'm so anguishly missing her too.

love doesn't end

” Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end but love doesn’t.”

-Marguerite; The Five People You Meet in Heaven; page 173

candy thought

thoughts of you are torturing me

but i don't know how to stop

got it

two obvious signs: 1) she did change her number. 2) she didn't greet me on my birthday. so, that's it. i had enough signs. and now i refuse to be treated like shit.

if she wants me out of her life then i better do the same. i'm too tired to beg, to tired of the pains, too tired of this cycle and painful routine. "wag isiksik ang sarili sa taong ayaw na sa'yo"

i got it this time. i choose to be happy. i'm moving on for real.