the journey continues......

when the oncologist walked into my room three days after my bone marrow biopsy, i told myself “this is the moment“. i tried showing a brave face as i felt the sudden surge of emotions but i guess i’m really not good in acting. after the usual pleasantries he finally opened a brown envelope and read through the results of the biopsy.

i’m on partial remission——meaning the stubborn leukemia finally responded to the chemotherapy but it did not disappear completely with the treatment. (this leukemia must have fallen in love with me and doesn’t want to leave. ha ha ha. silly thought!)

the doctor said my suppressed marrow function is beginning to return to normal but in a very slow rate. this was also confirmed by the latest results of my cbc and reticulocyte count which were used to evaluate cell production in my marrow. he told me that treatment via radiation therapy plus oral medication will continue so that complete remission can be achieved.

initially, i was disappointed with the result as i was expecting complete remission. the feeling of uncertainty went back to me and consumed me. but when the night came, i found myself talking to God, asking Him “what are you trying to tell me Lord?”, “what do you want me to learn from this new development?“. i asked Him to give me His peace and to hug me as I embark on my journey to radiation oncology.

i already had two sessions of radiation therapy and will have five more the coming days. i’m actually on “break” right now. i personally asked for it as i want to spend the holidays with my loved ones ”radiation free”.

i’m keeping my hopes high, trusting Him and letting Him do His will on me. i know that He will complete His work and I’m holding on to His promise that “He will never leave me nor forsake me”.

I then remembered I Thessalonians 5:18 that says “Give thanks in all circumstances….” and i just felt that this is what He wants me to do—to continue thanking Him inspite of all the painful things coming my way and He wants me to look around and appreciate the beauty of life. there are indeed countless reasons to thank Him for His love and faithfullness. i thank Him for the gift of life, the gift of time, the gift of love, the gift of family, the gift of friends—–the list could go on and on—–mercies that will never come to an end.

again, i want to thank the people who journeyed with me and prayed for me. i want to send my warm hugs of appreciation to my family, my children, my best buddies, friends, classmates, aunts, uncles, cousins, other relatives, family friends, online friends and those who’ve just chanced upon my blog and offered prayers, online strangers and “you” (wink!) thank you very much.

my journey from brokenman to betterman continues………please journey with me.

a belated merry christmas and a blessed new year to all!

i feel so stupid

i hate myself for giving in......for answering her sms...for sending her emails...for calling her

she shut her world on me again....after telling me that she wants to visit me and be with me ....again....its too late for me to realize that indeed it was more of a "power trip".....

i'm hurting again....

i had enough...

she can't go on playing with my emotions....even if i still love her...i know i have to let go....get this dot of hope out of me....the soonest....or else i wouldn't be able to move on....

i refuse to be the "uto-uto" guy anymore...

i'm moving on for real

counting the days

five more days and i’m back to “treatment mode”.

how do i feel about it? let me count the ways:

• sad, because of so many failed expectations
• weary, because i’m going back to the hospital, contraptions will be attached to my frail body, i will be trapped in the hospital bed, and the worst part is undergoing 6 cycles of chemo all over again
• anxious, because of the so many negative thoughts in my mind (its not easy to shake them off)
• thankful, because God is giving me another chance; because i know He will provide my financial, emotional and material needs during the treatment
• trusting, because i know He will never leave me nor forsake me and even if it is so difficult to say “thy will be done” i trust that He knows what’s best for me and that He will be with me every step of the way
• hopeful, because someone told me she’ll visit me at the hospital
• happy, because every day i see and feel His great love for me
• scared, because i already knew how it feels like being “treated”

i still have fever and this has been going on for 3 days now. for a “leukemic” a recurring fever would only mean infection. my doctor ordered my “private nurse” to increase the dosage of antibiotics (flagyl and cefepine) and to get blood from me twice.

my knees are aching now and i feel very tired. my appetite is still down and i don’t know if its because of the meal plan or anxiety. i just had 2 glasses of ensure this day (one for breakfast and one for lunch; just had a banana and a glass of water for dinner).

i might undergo radiation i was told and that thought is scaring the shit out of me.

“Lord, help me to trust you more, help me to be ready for all these. My life is in Your hands. I may not be able to understand Your plans for me at the moment, but i know that what You want is for me to trust You completely. I am here Lord, do Your will on me”.

my prayer

"Lord, I’m sorry for not calling on you immediately. I forgot. And i feel so unworthy. After all that You’ve done for me, how can i be so careless and so mistrusting. Lord, when the doctor told me that remission will or may not come at the time we are expecting it and that we need to repeat the treatment, i know You’ve read my mind and You’ve felt the sadness in my heart. You know the endless questions within me, the sadness, the grief, the pain and the agony. i know i’ve told You before that i will accept Your will in my life, because this life is Yours and You know what’s the best for me. but i guess, those words are easier said than done. You know my heart Lord, i still trust you and i still believe that You are in control but sometimes this feeling of not wanting to accept will come to me and the questions in my mind just wouldn’t stop coming. as the dates for my “extensive” chemotherapy are getting nearer, Lord, i want to tell you that i’m scared, i couldn’t stop thinking of what will happen to me during those times. what will happen if i still didn’t get the remission. will i consent to another treatment like bone marrow transplant or mylotarg? can i still handle it? i know You will be there for me just like what You did during my induction chemo but Lord, please teach me to trust you more and not be afraid. i’m tired of being afraid, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. Lord, i feel that i’m getting weaker and weaker every day and i know hiding the real thing from people that matters to me, thinking that i would be able to protect them from pain, was so wrong. i know its a stupid thing, but i feel that they’ve worried about me too much that i’m more like a burden than a blessing to them. everytime i feel the pain, the weakness in my body, everytime i see the blood coming out of my nostrils, everytime i think of my family, my young kids and the people that matters a lot to me, i can’t help but feel bad for my inadequacies. there’s so much that i want to do for them, but i feel like time is against me. i remember that moment when my nose bled and everything went blurred, i called on You, and asked you to please not take me yet and You’ve heard me and answered me affirmatively. would it be too much to ask for more time again, Lord? just a little more time please? "

anguish

i was about to take a shower when i got this sms from a number not in my phone book:

"i am anguishly missing you"

i've re-read the messsage and began to wonder who could this be? who would want to anguishly miss someone or worst anguishly missing me? it must have been a mis-sent sms. sent a reply though,

"who u?"

i then got an empty sms as a reply........and then my heart skipped a familiar beat....no, it can't be...it's not possible...i don't think it was her...and then this sms:

"once----i know once or twice or thrice or more------u made me feel lyk i was in heaven on earth and it always makes me burst in tears------its so good to have felt ur love even if it was and still is a weird set up. u see! these numbers are embedded in my memory and God knows how i tried so very hard to try not to dial these numbers ever again BUT my heart failed me"

its been hours since i received that sms....but i'm still here...awake....confused...and wondering who could this person be?

my heart is telling me something.....my mind is telling me another thing......please tell me its not her.....please it can't be her........

or if its really her......then i just want to tell her that....i'm so anguishly missing her too.

love doesn't end

” Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end but love doesn’t.”

-Marguerite; The Five People You Meet in Heaven; page 173

candy thought

thoughts of you are torturing me

but i don't know how to stop

got it

two obvious signs: 1) she did change her number. 2) she didn't greet me on my birthday. so, that's it. i had enough signs. and now i refuse to be treated like shit.

if she wants me out of her life then i better do the same. i'm too tired to beg, to tired of the pains, too tired of this cycle and painful routine. "wag isiksik ang sarili sa taong ayaw na sa'yo"

i got it this time. i choose to be happy. i'm moving on for real.

lies

i woke up early today for my cbc and as soon as i've opened the door of my room to go to the pantry i was surprised to see the television open and then i saw a familiar face on the tv screen. but she's not holding a microphone, nor doing traffic rantings, not even doing her trademark "street dancing"---she's wearing a wedding gown, doing the catwalk. my heart skipped a beat.

then all of a sudden an icy-cold feeling swept over me. i felt like a dementor has just arrived and sucking the happiness within me. i began to choke with sadness. she could have been my bride, she could have been my wife and i imagine myself flying without wings for marrying someone as beautiful as her.

then i heard a voice, a squeaky tiny voice that resembles that of dobby, the house elf, "you are stupid sir, you screwed up sir, you lost her sir". damn! shut up! shut up! "why are you shouting sir, don't shout at me sir!" just shut up!

then i opened my eyes and saw my two cousins, ned and alison, both looking at me with disbelief. i spoke even before they could say a word,"i'm okay, i'm okay don't worry".

i took a seat near the fridge, my back at the television set, hoping that the cup of green tea could relieve the sudden surge of pain within. and then i heard a voice coming from the television set saying that the wedding gown was designed by someone and the activity was last sunday and then suddenly........opps.......she told me she's watching a movie sunday night----with her mom.....how could---she didn't--how can------shit!

i swallowed the tea, it was bitter... she lied to me then......but why....maybe she has a date with her future groom......so all these "i want to be with you, dying to be with you enzo stuffs" were all lies......shit.... combination of anger and pain made me feel very sick

"i'm not marrying her....i'm not going back to her......i don't want to see her......i'm not going to talk to her anymore...no, i don't want her anymore" i told myself, in between sobs.....

brokenman to betterman

time is 2:10 pm. just woke up. my head still aches and my stomach feels awful. good afternoon to me!

the pain in my back has lessen. thank God. but i’m back to my wheel chair.
i’m alone again. wheeled myself out of my room to my small pantry, checked the fridge for food and found some bottles of san mig light and left over foods. i lost my appetite.

on my way to the sofa bed, i saw a pack of marlboro lights on the side table. i was tempted to puff a stick then remembered the last time i tried smoking, i think that was in high school. contrary to what i’ve expected, i didn’t feel the “relaxing, therapeutic effect” and curiousity had me hospitalized for 1 week due to asthma.

i wheeled myself near the window and saw the gloomy sky. i’m sure it will rain later. how i wish i could go down and feel it falling on me. maybe it could wash whatever gloomy and negative emotions i am having right now.

the rain reminds me of her. i’m trying not to think of it but my efforts are in vain. and i dont want to be a hypocrite. yes, i do miss her so much. and the thought that i may not be able to see her again, talk to her again, even for the last time is crushing me. but i’m trying to live one day at a time, accepting the realities little by little and making some baby steps. i’m moving on to the next phase, picking up the pieces and trying to be happy.

tomorrow, i’ll have my flu shot so as to protect me against the influenza virus. but my doctor told me that the flu shot doesn’t guarantee that i will not get the flu although if i do get a flu, it will likely to be less severed. good grief :(

aside from the flu shot, i have to undergo ct scan (to determine the improbability of chemobrain), ecg, lft, 2d-echo and of course, cbc and they need to check my sperm count. i hope the list ends there. i really don’t feel comfortable undergoing all these.

i then realized how chemotherapy, like cancer, has changed my life. it has redefined the “me” now, it has turned my life upside down and i was thinking, had it made me a better person? a frequently asked question nowadays is “iniwan ka ba kasi may cancer ka?” and my answer is, no. my physical condition has nothing to do with the break up.

chemo sessions are over for now and i want to think that i’m on my way to remission. i desperately wanted to have a new lease on life and start living it the way that i should be—not afraid to face the uncertainties of life, enjoy living with my loved ones, be brave enough to fight for what is right, focus on what will make me happy and most importantly, live a life that is pleasing to His sight. i believe it’s not too late to change and be a better man.

just like what He promised in Philippians 1:6, i want to claim that “He who has began a good work in me, would be faithful to complete it”

still……a work in progress…..from brokenman to betterman

the journey is just beginning!

i don't give a damn

i'm really wondering why you are so interested about us and especially about me. well, i'm flattered you are giving me this much attention. it must have been heaven for you and for your bestfriend to make fun of me.

i think my fault here is that i was too trusting and i confided things to you which were not supposed to be said and i felt betrayed and hurt that you are now using it against me.
why are you so interested about us? why do you have to threaten me? why are you so interested to know her? just because i confided things to you and we became "friends" does not gave you the right to intrude into my personal life and to her personal life too. we were both hurt by what happened. and i don't think nobody won, because in the first place, it was not a game. we were not playing a game. it was a relationship. it was love. and what happened to us along the way was something that we are keeping for ourselves. its ours anyway.

i never hide the fact that i screwed up, i lied, i got insecure, the break up was mostly my fault. i never and will never hide that fact to anyone, even to my family. and she knew how much i wanted to make things right, to tell her everything that she wanted to know. we have our personal issues----things that i don't think we should or i should open up in public. its between the two of us. what transpired, what we said, what we felt, what we have right now---is just for the two of us. no one has the right to intrude on that.

so, now, you are telling me you want to meet her, invite her for dinner, you want her to be your friend. you are telling me this after saying a lot of bad things about her? wow! yes, i was shaky when i called you not because of anything shitty. you said something in your sms that triggered some fear in me. i was doubtful of your motive. i was worried for her. i know what kind of a bitch you are. and please stop boasting about your resources and connection. you are not GOD and you can not just intrude into someone's personal life and fix it the way you want. who cares if your father is a general and you have body guards. let me remind you, the people of the Republic of the Philippines is paying for his salary.

you are telling me to focus on myself, on my family, on my kids, and you even called me selfish. wow! who are you anyway? you don't know how much i love my children and my family. i could give my life to them. and you don't tell me what to do. i'm old enough, wise enough to handle myself. by the way, how about your dad? does he really care about you?

so, why are you so interested about us? what's your motive? you want to destroy me? you and your imaginary bestfriend who thought that just because i said she's pretty has already jumped into the conclusion that i like her? i was never attracted to you nor to her. and i will never be. yes, i said i like you because you are a bitch, but that's my way of telling you that you can not just call me names, insult me, threaten me, and then get away with it. yes, i have balls--pink, juicy, yummy balls. how about you? you are a coward, you are hiding from your dad's pants and you are taking advantage of his position so you can get what you want.

hey, to tell you honestly, i really don't want to spend most of my time thinking about you or your blah blah. its a waste of time. in fact, this is the last time that i will talk about it. i guess mari is right, kulang ka lang sa pansin.

and by the way, don't under-estimate her. she's a tough act. she's wiser and smarter than you think. she knows when to fight back. she's too smart for you. and i bet she will see your true motive even before you could lay your thing on the table.

you are one wtf spoiled brat. it takes one to know one you know. you don't play with other people's feelings. we are not playing a game here. this is about our lives, our battle, our journey and the least that you can do is...fuck off.

i don't need your help nor am i asking for it. i can fix my life, i can fix whatever it is that needs to be fixed between "her and me". we just have to see each other and talk personally. and we will be doing that soon.

i don't care about you wanting her to be your friend. but i know that's not your true motive. just don't use me to hurt her or don't you dare do something that will malign her and my reputation or our past relationship. i don't need to give her a "friendly warning" because she is a smart woman. opps sorry..i mean a very smart woman. don't dare do something that will hurt both of us. kung gusto mo lang ako sirain, then ako na lang, don't use her to hurt me.

fuck off spoiled brat. don't you dare make a wrong move. you don't know me. leave us alone or ou'll regret it.

resched chemo

i’m suppose to have my 6th and last chemo session today (for option A) but my oncologist has decided to postpone it because of my low wbc and fever. if my condition will improve next week, i’ll have the session hopefully by next friday, june 22.

wordpress blog

i've moved in to http://brokenman.wordpress.com

pls join me in my journey there!

thanks